i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
We smell like vodka and hangover
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