i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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