how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
