yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
