sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
