ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
