I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
They left me at home... I'm a liability
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
