you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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