Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
