stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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