wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
