Buhtt sex?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
