If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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