He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
