i'm signing you up for texting rehab
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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