I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
