I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
