You made me cry and you don't even care
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
