this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
