this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
