I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
