did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
