i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
