First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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