When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
