sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
My penis needs a shock collar
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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