When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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