Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
