you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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