i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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