so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
