i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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