My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
