is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
