I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
worst night to have a conscience
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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