listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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