I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
