dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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