she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
