Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
