bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
