I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
