I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
