I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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