I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
