i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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