he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
