32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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