omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
