Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
