watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Randomize
