discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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