You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
