imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
