saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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