i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
