My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
