How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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